When I was figuring out what I was going to write for this giveaway hop I knew right away that nothing would be better than the crazy list I emailed my sister as to all the amazing things I’ve learned from romance books. Of course, this list is over the top and meant to be a little funny. I thought I would share that email with you and then down below you will have a chance to enter my giveaway in the Hugs, Kisses, Valentine’s Wishes Giveaway Hop hosted by MamatheFox .
Just so you know this post is for entertainment purposes only. Chances are in real life that creepy guy is super creepy and a serial killer so stay away from him. Not to mention that bear is truly planning on having your butt for dinner. I’m just saying.
Having spent most of life reading romance I have learned a few things. One of the biggest is to not judge a book by it’s cover. Although that is another topic. Another big thing is to not assume the creepy guy who happens to be a jerk isn’t the guy for you. Not to mention when it comes to figuring out who is after you it’s always the person with the crazy eyes. Thank you Lexi Blake for that helpful tip! Plus there is no reason to be afraid of that bear, lion, tiger (whatever animal) since they are most likely your mate and won’t be eating you. At least not in the horrible, death sort of way. Below I have 5 things I have learned from years of reading romance. Enjoy!
1. That gorgeous guy showing up everywhere is totally normal.
That’s right. It is normal for a guy (regardless of how beautiful he is) to show up every single place where you are. He’s not stalking you at all. He’s just trying to let you know that he’s interested in you. It’s fate and you just need to accept it. Flirt a little and you will be well on your way to happily ever after.
2. A single orgasm is a thing of the past
Yep! Every other guy you have been with, has been doing it wrong and so have you. Once you hook up with “The One” you will have multiple (I’m talking five or six) orgasms in one night. Always before he even begins to get any sort of play himself. Guys aren’t really aren’t that selfish who figure one and you’re done.
3. Bad boys and Shifters are the perfect guys
Talk about never judge a book by its cover! If the guy that you’re into, happens to be in the mafia, been to prison for murder, in a motorcycle club, turns into a big a** animal or any number of other things it’s okay. They aren’t the sum of their pasts, presents, or whatever nature has done to them. They are going to worship the ground you walk on, never cheat, and treat you like the queen that you are.
4. Big is better
That’s right! If you are plus size then girl you are the hottest thing in town. You never have to worry about being made fun of or someone (other than some jealous skank who will totally get hers in the end) saying hurtful things. Men love that you aren’t bone thin and have a little more to hold on to. In fact, you will have men beating down your door and staring at you so much that your man will turn all alpha male and threaten to beat anyone who looks at you again to a pulp.
5. Everyone gets a happily ever after
It doesn’t matter what happens, how long it takes, or what sort of grand gesture a guy has to do in order to win your love. He will do it and you will ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. You will have all the kids you want (even if he has to buy them for you) and he will tell you every single day just how much he loves you.
6. You can have more
Yeah I know I said five but I thought of something else as I writing this so BONUS! You can have as many guys as you can handle. Don’t worry they won’t ever have more than one woman…only ever you! But girl if you can handle three or four or five (Dixie Lynn Dwyer I’m looking at you!) then all I can say is you go girl. That and I hope you have a good hooha doctor on retainer cause that thing is gonna be sore!
The takeaway from all of this is that you should totally (just kidding) give your stalker a chance. If the real world worked anything like a romance novel does we would all be beyond happy. In fact I plan on finding my way to Bliss, Colorado and find my pair of alpha, over the top, weirdos who accepts me just the way I am to spent the rest of my days with.
FYI…Merricks Montana, Divine Texas, Lusty Texas, Slick Rock Colorado, Desire Oklahoma, and Pearl Texas are just a few other towns that accept people for the weirdos they truly are. In the event that you happen to find these locations and move there please send me an email, gps coordinates, a bat signal, or something so the rest of us can make our way to these havens.
If you are curious about the author or locations I mentioned above here they are:
- Lexi Blake writing as Sophie Oak writes about Bliss, Colorado which is a mix of menage and single. She also write Masters and Mercenaries which has the occasional menage and my favorite Dom, Ian Taggert.
- Dixie Lynn Dwyer writes about Pearl Texas and her books include two, three, or more with one woman at times.
- Leah Brooke writes about Desire Oklahoma and her books are menage as well. Although she does right one guy and one gal too.
- Heather Rainier write about Divine Texas, again a mix of menage and single
- Cara Covington writes about Lusty Texas and menages (yeah I’m noticing a theme here!)
- Mckinlay Thomson writes about Merricks Montana but I’m not sure that she writes anymore. There are five books in the series and I’m always watching for another but she hasn’t been on social media or anything since 2017. This series is really good and I love it.
- Becca Van writes about Slick Rock Colorado. This is an actual city in Colorado. I don’t know if all of the menages really happen there but the town is real.
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I love this! LOL Thank you & Happy Valentine’s Day! 🙂 xo
I’m so glad.
So true! I don’t normally read romance but it definitely does put a rose-colored view on some things.
Hahaha fell off my chair laughing. So true…Thanks for sharing the email. I needed that today
Yes, my glasses did indeed, turn quite rose colored as I read this post. All the while, I’m giggling like a schoolgirl, lol. One thing that was glaringly clear however, is a couple of names were missing from your list!! If you haven’t heard of them before, I’ll take credit for expanding your education. In the end, you’ll be thanking me, I promise. First is Cherise Sinclair. Hands down the best there is. Her Shadowlands series is killer and you’ll end up reading it again and again. That’s just to start with, she does have other series, but the Shadowlands is where to start. Go. Introduce yourself to Master Z. You won’t regret it. Next, on the tamer side of things is Kristen Ashley. Start with the Rock Chicks and then let yourself off the leash and devour every other book she ever wrote, lol. You won’t regret it. If a bad boy Alpha revs you up, these guys are going to short circuit your brain. I can add other authors, Deanndra Hall will take you for a walk on the wild side. Kalypso Masters will introduce you to some Military Alphas/Masters that’ll get you addicted in a hurry. Let me know what you think of any of them! Enjoy!!
This post is hilarious!! Good luck everyone!!
Thanks for the great article. So funny. I had a great laugh. Also thanks for the mention. I am still writing, life got in the way and three years went by. I released a new Merricks, Montana in early April.
I am heading to Book Strand right this minute to buy it. I LOVE this series. Thanks you so much for letting us all know.